Shortly after the characters one year anniversary, the producers of the popular sit-com let go of Kristy’s character. It has been confirmed that this decision was made for professional interests and not personal conflicts. Disagreements between the producers and the writers about the direction of the show for the following season was the motivation for killing off Kristy. The actor confirmed this in a press conference yesterday, “Kristy was written out of the series after it was decided that the values of Kristy and the show were no longer compatible.” “The year I spent on the show was fantastic but now it is time for me to move on.”

The raved about sit-com is homing towards the season finale and placing building blocks for the much anticipated season six.

There are the people who have felt the heat of the flames in the episodic hell created by ill mental health and the people who haven’t

There are the people who have been forced by the demons in their minds to destroy who and what they love with malice and the people who haven’t.

There are the people who know how it feels to be controlled by the mind to the point of paralysis and those who don’t.

There are those who know, personally, the psychological symptom of “chronic lonliness,” they can define it by heart.

If I could take away my mental illness, would I? If I did, I would not have the insights I have now.

If I did, I would not have the compassion I have now.

If I did, I would not have the beliefs I have now.

If I did, I would not have the strength I have now.

If I had never been to the darkest places of mental illness I would not be who I am now

I didn’t respond nor mention this email to you because I had no words to respond with. Sadly, but honestly, I felt I did not feel the same level of love and therefore I felt it best left alone. As it turns out, it was indeed best to be left alone at that point.

The reason it was best left is that tonight was the moment when I realised that my love for you matches that of yours for me. Tonight I realised the reasons why my level of love for you reaches heights of your love for me. And tonight I can and will express to you these emotions in full strength, which is the response your email deserves.

You said it fantastically in your email to me, so before I dive into my own genuine and heart-felt declaration of love, I will paraphrase the words you used to describe how amazing you are. Your veganism, your personal fears, the fact that you live life to its maximum potential, living dangerously in every element of your life, you try new things and keep an open mind, you maintain a total honest and transparent life. And like I do you, you always  accept me regardless of anything.

To you, Lukie, I also tell you that you are one of the five people whose presence I value the most in my life.

Lukie, you are one of the very few people I know who actually does all that’s within your abilities to make the world a better place. You live your life so you can, as much and often as possible, improve the lives any individual (for the purposes of this post, “individuals” refers to all beings, animals and people). You improve the lives of the individuals you know, like me. You also improve the lives of individuals you don’t know and will never know, like that unnamed cow on the other side of the country.  Your compassion, love, respect, gentleness and empathy towards individuals far exceeds most people. I feel so amazing and grateful to think that I am close enough to you to receive your compassion, love, respect and empathy.

Moving away from all the mushy stuff, I love you because of your addiction to living life to the full is like a junkie’s addiction to their substance. I love your sense of humor and fun. I love that you are some nice eye candy. I love that I am some nice eye candy to you (and you have no reservations in telling me so). I love your house (I just need to add this because, oh my god, it was stunning, and your family were so welcoming when I visited).

All this being said, the main reason you are so valued in my life is because of the beliefs we share. Sustainability, veganism, that love deserves to be spread to all individuals not just one, and that all individual’s equally deserve said love. In actual fact, I see a possibility of marrying you and living with you as a friend. Beginning a commune together in a beautiful part of Australia, Amelia and Marc by our sides, of course. I love that while we share this incredible connection, we don’t usually nor need to discuss it. We simply know this without needing to acknowledge it or take away it’s romance by defining it.

When we consider how little time we have spent together, relatively, it just makes my message to you more powerful. Imagine where our relationship and feelings will change and grown as we spend more and more time together.

P.S. I am absolutely ready to take you up on my birthday gift now. (Remembering we need to work around the obstacles my current condition puts up).

I love you so very much,

Kristy

Jim and I built up our relationship and grew our love strong and fast. From our first D&M on his sink, to our Awesome moments in supermarkets and the laundrymat, to the many evenings spent over sympathy tea. As soon as Jim and I find a moment together we are tearing each other’s metaphorical clothes off. Emotionally and mentally shagging.

There are only a few people in this world that I can tell anything to without shame or fear of judgment. Jim is one of them. I’ve told him my darkest and in return he gives me acceptance and support with his words and hugs.

Jim has faced many dark demons in his 26 years. He has been burdened and tested time and time again. With each challenge that he is presented with, Jim stands tall and strong. With his red Converse shoes and super hero pose, Jim attacks every challenge head on with incredible courage, strength and great humor. In his presence, courage, strength and humour is absorbed.

Will the Helpless Dog ever unlearn?

The promise of impermanence both reassure and cut.

The destination might be felt but will never be reached.

Badges of honor can be taken away from you.

Dog eat dog. Do they concern themselves with the mirror’s distortions?

I’ll never forget how to ride a bike, but will I forget the destructive abilities?

The coffee or the roses, which was it today?

I’m taking two, possibly four, weeks off work because my condition has become much worse. While it is absolutely necessary, and on work’s orders, it is really hard for me to do. I love work and don’t want to be away from my clients. Also, with my paranoia about abandonment, I worry my job won’t be there when I get back. A more rational and real fear is not being well enough to go back in two or four weeks! Where is my mental health heading? I’m terrified!

When things like drug and alcohol programs, using the Crisis, Assessment and Treatment team and hitting up the hospital is raised by my doctor, you know you’re entering scary territory. My episodes are getting darker and more frequent. In these episodes, the monster is obtaining more and more control over my mind and body.

When the monster takes me over, he implants dark voices in my head and he makes me harm myself through various methods. Fighting it is all I have but it’s becoming near impossible.

So yeah, I’m pretty damn scared.

I’m committed to fighting it, however. I’m determined to defeating it still. I will be getting the most I can out of every day over the next two weeks. Doing something to improve my health everyday.

But here I am, Day 1, 10am. I’ve done a lot so far but already I’m panicked, pained and exhausted.

I’ll say it again, depression sucks!!!

“What is wrong with me?”

“Why am I like this?”

“Why does it hurt so much?!”

“I can’t handle this pain any more”

“It hurts so much, it just hurts so much”

I stare at the bathroom razor on the shower rack. I want him to leave me alone. I imagine what I’ll do as soon as he leaves. I’ll take the bathroom scissors, not sharp enough themselves, I’ve already tried. I’ll use them to cut the blade out of the razor. The blade will be small but sharp enough to easily slice through skin.

“What is wrong with me?”

“Why do I feel this way?”

“Why won’t it stop? I need it to stop!”

“Leave me alone.”

“I need to stop this pain”

The razor would cut through my arms, legs, chest stomach. The cutting wouldn’t be felt but instead all the torture felt inside me will have a place to escape from. Like streams of red light the pain will pour out, washed away by the warm water and I would no longer agonise. But he won’t leave, I know he won’t. So instead I scream and cry. The last of my strength rushes from me and I fall to the floor of the shower.

“Why I am like this?”

“Why can’t I be normal?”

“Why do I have to hurt like this!?”

“I hate me, I hate me, I hate me, I hate me, I hate me”

I lie on the shower floor, curled into myself. I wail and sob, the tears mixing with the warm water of the shower. Half my body is cold from the ceramic and the other half feeling the warm water. He asks me to stand up.

“I can’t!” I tell him. He asks again with compassion.

“No!” My wailing becomes louder, more hysterical.

He steps under the stream of water in his clothes. He falls to his knees and wraps his body around the pathetic, naked, destroyed soul. He holds me tight, tells me we are going to get through this and I gently sob in his embrace.

The best way I could describe my mum to my counsellor was as if she is two different people. One a beautiful, loving and gentle soul and the other an angry, vicious and crazy woman. I consider the former as who Mum really is and the latter as who she becomes. Therefore, for the purposes of this post, let’s call the first version of Mum ‘Real Mum’ and the other ‘Imposter Mum.’

My childhood was plagued by Imposter Mum taking Real Mum over. As a child this was a terrifying experience. The Kink’s words, “hunched in fear, too terrified to cry” describes how I felt most of the time perfectly and in some situations it is a literal description.

While Real Mum was someone I loved who provided me with my basic needs and taught me to be a good, moral person, Imposter Mum was abusive and took away from what Real Mum gave. Imposter Mum could come onto the scene at any time. At times Imposter Mum could be living with us for weeks, she could make an occasional appearance, or it could have even been months since I had heard from Imposter Mum then unexpectedly she’s taken my mum over and I’m once again in a panicked and pained state.

My therapist suggested that the terror must have been intensified by the unpredictable nature of the Real and Imposter Mum turf wars. I confirmed this, telling her that it didn’t take young Kristy long to no longer trust that stability could exist in my world. Whenever things were calm at home and I found myself settling into it, I’d be sure to tell myself  “don’t let your guard down, it will not last!” I was always right, calmness and security never lasted. After some time of being burnt by letting my guard down, it no longer was. For a child, this was a damaging environment and state to exist in.

The unpredictability of  the Real and Imposter Mum situation not only made my physical environment hectic, but my emotional and mental state was often chaotic. My fearful heart would cry and scream. My developing mind would absorb, believe and repeat destructive messages. This screaming heart and messages in the mind is, what I believe to be, one of the main contributors to the development of my anxiety and depression.

My psychologist and I have been discovering the different Kristys that exist within me and how they behave and react to situations. The therapist is doing a good job at understanding how they link to my childhood and the behaviour that I observed and learnt. The Kristys have been found to emerge and act out in unpredictable ways, as you’d probably expect. For instance, the child within me wails for soothing at the most mildest of stressors and at unexpected times. An example of this; around noon today I was quite happy and I was enjoying Melbourne’s lovely sunshine. I then realised that I had left my ATM card at home, and suddenly I broke into tears and hysterics. As this happened the rain suddenly poured which was both appropriate for Melbourne’s weather patterns and how I was feeling. And, of course, my mood changed to something else as quick as Melbourne’s weather does.

Today’s behaviour would be considered pretty abnormal by most. However, strong and inappropriate reactions like this are common occurences for me. It’s becoming clear that this is because it is what has been taught and reinforced.

At uni I’ve worked hard throughout the semester and I’ve completed my assignments. However, when it comes to the final assessment I just can’t find the umph to do it, to finish my essay or attend my exam. Both these tasks certainly are something well within my capabilities. But still I seemingly make no attempt to do them and pass the courses.

On my weight loss journey I fought hard to lose 40 kilos. But when it comes to losing the last 3 kilos required to be within my healthy weight range, it seems impossible to make it happen. I am constantly supporting my clients to succeed in their weight loss goals, although I can’t seem to do the same for myself.

Despite the determination and get up and go that I had during semester or during the years I was losing, when it comes to that final meter or that final hurdle it seems as if I have suddenly stopped in my tracks, crossed my arms and said “nah-uh.”

I described this experience to Marc using a Magic: the Gathering analogy. Throughout the game I’ve been pulling out the mana, the spells and the creatures. I’ve been playing the strategies; casting and attacking, putting in all I’ve got. Just as I’ve brought my opponent down to 5 life points, my opponent enchants themselves, “player cannot go lower than 4 life points.” So that’s it, no winning the game…unless I can remove the enchantment.

Marc asked me what I would say to myself if I was my own client. I told him I would be straight to the point and ask my client if they are ready to commit themselves to the putting in what it takes to succeed at their goal. I’d suggest to them that if they are not ready then perhaps they should first work on what’s stopping them making that commitment because without it they won’t get too far.I’d suggest to my client that they leave the session and honestly ask themself if they are committed enough. If they discover that they do lack commitment, I’d suggest that their energy would be much better spent working on that first rather than attempting to achieve their goals commitmentless.

There’s no point attacking an opponent who won’t go below 4 life points anyway. Instead work a strategy to take out the enchantment first, then “BAM,” take out the opponent and win the game!

So this is where I’m at now, exploring my committment. If I find that my committment is, in fact, lacking I’ll then explore why. From there I can work on increasing my commitment so I can in turn face my goals armed with the right tools for success.

I knew I had to get back on here to report my defeats, triumphs and wounds no matter how far gone I am. Else, I knew, I’d only venture deeper into the darkness of the battlefield. There are only so many battles one man can fight before he falls to his knees and hits the ground, having to be carried to the infirmity to be brought back to life.

So here I am. Reporting in after battle. In the last 6 weeks I’ve been working hard at my new job as a weight loss consultant. I’ve been doing what I can on the healthy living front. And of course I’ve been going head to head with the depression/anxiety. But what has challenged me the most are my childhood ghosts. I’ve begun seeing a Psych who is helping me work through the murky waters of my subconscious mind. Since then the memories and hurts are lifting their ugly heads. My sleep is often disturbed by subconscious thoughts entering the conscious. I wake up panicked, despaired or just exhausted from my moonlight, psychological treks. The last 10 years has been leading up to this work. This is the work I always knew needed to be done but was never ready to attempt it.

I am proud to announce that despite the challenging nature of this period I have charged at these ghosts with a strong war cry. I have survived through the toughest of fights. I have a long way to go still. I am in the depth of it now, cutting through wild, thick jungle roots with a machete. There is a fair bit to work through before I can come out into the clear. A clear which I am unaware what will be waiting for me, another battle or a place to rest perhaps.

I clearly recall the time in my life when I began living by the idea expressed by the Dalai Lama above. Back then it didn’t emerge from the Buddha’s teachings. Instead it came from within, encouraged by my friend Spot and perhaps also my studies in Wicca.

It was during year 11 and 12, watching the world move around me and, as all teenagers do, trying to work it out and where my place is in it. During this time, all aspects of my life were gently encouraging me towards this belief. Then came the time where the stars and planets aligned and nearly momentarily I experienced Kristy’s Epiphany; part one.

I was grounded and enlightened by my realisation that all sentient beings seek happiness and have the right to be free from suffering. I suddenly felt genuine and unconditional compassion and empathy for all beings, nothing like I had felt before. I began practicing this and my universe supported and encouraged it.

However, throughout this there was still something holding me back. The compassion and empathy I felt for myself wasn’t unconditional. It was contingent on my expectations of how I should think, feel and behave and who I should be. Often I felt I did not have the right to be free from suffering and that I certainly didn’t deserve happiness.

After some time of living what I thought was the compassionate life, I realised I was still living a life that inflicted suffering. I was causing myself suffering because, at the time, I felt that’s what I deserved. By causing this harm I was in addition sending bad Karma bubbles into the universe to inevitably cause more suffering.

Eventually I understood that I could not claim to believe and act upon unconditional compassion and empathy to all beings when I treated myself with such hatred and anger. I am, in fact, a being as much as anyone else is and therefore am equally desiring and deserving of happiness. If I were being selective in the treatment of myself, I was not being loyal to my beliefs. Enter Kristy’s Epiphany; part two. I realised that if I truly believe in the equality of all beings I must, without exception, treat myself with the same compassion. A big step was taken towards a healthy development.

Today, the above quote is up on my wall and it aids me well. When I am choosing to feel depressed because my mind tells me that’s what I want, the words “all beings are equal in both their desire for happiness, “ reminds me that I am in fact a being who seeks happiness. Happiness is what I desire; not suffering and I should allow myself to feel happiness.

When I am causing myself pain, I recall that my right to obtain happiness exists as much as any other being. “As much of any other being” is key, if I harm myself (emotionally, physically or whatever) I might as well eat a steak and we all know I won’t be doing that.

I didn’t know where my new beliefs and the new way of living would take me back then, as I still don’t. Of course, now we can look at my life and see how much it has contributed to the path I have taken, although unclear at the time. I have been walking a path lined by part of the Buddha’s teachings, however I didn’t realise this at the time. Until I saw a sign on this path, it pointed in the direction I was already walking and it said “Buddhist Practices.” I’ll continue this path and see where it leads me.

I must no longer reach for the seemingly easy way out. I owe it to the people who love me and who are investing in me. But mostly, I owe it to myself. Sorry to drop a sorry cliché on you, but it’s true.

The Rules

• Eat a healthy diet
• Be active
• No smoking
• No sad drinking
• No drinking more than 3 at a time
• Complete openness with Marc
• Take action at the earliest sign

The Procedure

1. Tell Kristy
2. Tell Marc (or someone who can help)
3. Do something, anything, active or progressive(eg. clean, cook, walk, write)
4. Talk session with complete openness
5. Make a forward action plan
6. Meditation, relaxation, breathing techniques

This can be said about a lot of things in my life. I love pretty much everything in my world about as much as I do my special edition four-pen. I love my motivation wall, I love my home, I love my path, I love my friends, I love my fortunes, I love my opportunities, I love Kitten curled on my lap, I love my city, I love my adventures, I love my bath, I love my incense, I love the dolphin sitting in my lounge room, wearing a hat – the list could go on infinitely. I love all these things in my world, and  I dislike very little. However, every morning, every day and every night it’s still there, my depression.

The supports I have are incredible. I have a list of friends I can’t even count on both hands that I know would do anything for me, anything. They love me deeply and are all standing by showing support and waiting to dive in when I need them. This is fantastic and I appreciate it more than I can express. But again, how does it help? The depression is still there, lurching and hurting.

I have a future with so much joy and endless possibilities laid before more. I know I can be and do anything I want. I can travel wherever I want. I can have a fantastic career helping others. I can start a family with the man I love. I can enjoy every moment experienced because life is an Awesome thing. I know all this to be true, I’ve known this to be true for many years. But still, for many years I have felt depression’s grip. And I can’t help but ask myself, how many more years will this grip squeeze me so tight that I can’t breathe?

I’m still putting up a hell of a fight, day in and day out. Right now I’m truly exhausted from the fight and the thought of doing it all again tomorrow, the next day and the rest of the days in my foreseeable future makes me break down in tears. I am aware, however, that there are only two options; fight or give up and I’m not ready to die. I’m not ready to die, I tell myself with a knife in hand. But I’m also not ready to feel any more of this pain. I’m stuck in the middle and I simple don’t know what to do.

It’s difficult to put into words what this Awesomeness is. However, if one man can articulate Awesomeness and all it is about, it is Mick. Not only would sweet Mick find the words that no ones else could, they would be unique Mick words, expressed like only Mick can. His description of living the Awesome life would be so poetically powerful it would captivate anyone within ear shot. The words of love and passion flowing from Mick would fill their hearts, lungs and mind with the theoretical substance we call Awesomeness. Through his words, Mick inspires.

To me, Mick is the guru of living the Awesome life. He is my inspiration for living the next chapter of my life. He is my inspiration for facing life’s crossroads with confidence and strength. He inspires happiness in my heart and soul. He inspires me to value what’s truly important in life and to disregard what’s not. Mick inspires me to be who Kristy is deep at her core. That is the path to Awesomeness and Mick encourages me to walk my true path.

I’d like to flash back to when I first knew Mick, 3 or so years ago. Friends with my brother, Mick would be around, popping up here and there. While I didn’t know him as intimately as I do now, I was always very pleased to see him. A beautiful man, always bearing gifts in the form of stories of his epic and Awesome adventures. It was always a treat for a socially isolated and withdrawn girl.

There are particular memories of Mick from that time that has stuck with me. I was a younger Kristy, struggling with some things. Specifically, the Domino’s where Mick worked had some painful memories attached to it. Whenever I’d go near the Domino’s, usually to visit the video shop which stood next door, the memories would enter my mind. Driving towards the store, my mind would be running through the hurt. I’d park my car and step out. I’d look in the Domino’s window to see if the person who hurt me was inside, even though I knew she had moved on. Walking towards the store I would be happy to see a tall man standing behind the counter. He was adorably dressed in the Domino’s get-up which seemed so against his grain. He sported a mass of curly blonde hair. The attempts to fit his hair in his Domino’s hat was futile, instead his hair exploded and the hat gently sat on the top of his fantastic locks. Always wearing a huge smile, he was anticipating the next exciting or epic life moment. To him, every waking moment was to be enjoyed and appreciated, even if it was just standing behind a counter waiting for the next customer. As I approached the store Mick would see me, his arm would spring up with an eager wave and a beaming face. I’d feel a sense of warmth and a small giggle would come out as I waved back. I’d walk by and go into the video shop, still smiling because of Mick’s presence. I wouldn’t pop in and speak to Mick, as I said, I was quite withdrawn. However, Mick’s welcoming, understanding and warming wave and smile was all I needed to feel good about myself, my life and facing my still raw demons that lived at Domino’s.

Today I am Mick’s sister in battle, as he describes it. I am still slightly withdrawn and socially awkward but the relationship we are building is changing that. I love Mick and all he gives to me. As you must have gathered from my description of this man, he is constantly giving and never asks for anything in return. And, like with all members of Team Awesome, knowing he is always there for anything I might need makes me feel safe and loved.

For all you have blessed with me, Mick, thanks buddy.

You have been an awesome listener, a mirror to bounce thoughts off, a place to vent and vent good, a place to be open and honest and, most importantly, you’ve supported me through the toughest of tough times.

Here’s to another year of living the Kristy way and sharing rich adventures together.

xo

My story begins, and ends, with my anti-depressant medication. As I ran ahead with my busy and happy life, I failed to notice that I had lost all my medication and prescription. On discovering the issue, I tried to get a new script but found it a difficult task.

In the past, going a week without medications hasn’t caused me too much stress. I don’t know what was different this time, perhaps it’s the higher dose or the type of meds I am on. Whatever it was, if I had have known what missing my medication, even for a day as my doctor told me, meant I would have been at the hospital’s door on the first night. Alas, I did not go to the hospital nor did I see my doctors until I could get there. This resulted in a sudden drop in my serotonin and dopamine levels and that resulted in what followed.

To be honest with you, I don’t remember much of this episode. I was told by my housemates that I didn’t leave my bedroom for three days. I remember getting messages and calls from my friends, however, responding was way beyond my abilities at that point. I remember looking at my closed blinds and thinking of stepping outside, the idea terrified me. I remember waking up at various points and desperately trying to find sleep again. There’s no need to go into the specific details of where this depression took me. However, I would like to explore my thoughts.

Paranoid, irrational, fearful, despairing and intense thoughts flooded my head and dragged this alone soul deeper and deeper into the darkness.

It was like a monster found its way into my head and screamed the horrible thoughts at me. They weren’t what I wanted to be thinking and I tried to rebut them but the monster’s voice was louder and it dominated me. The monster’s voice would tell me to viciously hate myself, to indefinitely isolate myself, to painfully hurt myself. And I listened, and I followed. Very fortunately for only a few days.

The doctor, after expressing her great concern about missing my meds, told me it would take about two days of being back on them to feel better and think rationally. I felt the difference on the third day. It began with my thoughts returning to normal, positive and rational ones. The monster’s voice quieted. After some time there was no more monster to cut in and yell at me for even attempting some optimism.

The more I could think rationally the more I looked back and wondered how I possibly believed what the monster was telling me. It’s like when you are having a bizarre dream. In the dream everything makes perfect sense, of course a small dog is the CEO of a record label. On waking, however, you wonder how you went along with such craziness.

Now for the important part of the post, what I gained from this trip. Firstly, I learnt the value of my meds. I’m glad they are there. I once hated being on anti-depressants, I felt it was a weakness. Now I realise I have an illness that needs treatment, that all there is to it. After this last episode I am especially grateful for them and I’m more than happy to stick with them for their full course. I don’t even mind how long that is.

Secondly, the lesson I’ve been dancing around for a while now really hit home during this adventure -  that this illness is long term, there is no magical cure, and that’s okay. During this depressed episode I found myself asking Marc to check the house to make sure no one was around before I snuck in from the backyard. Then it struck me. This scene was a repeat of what I had done years before, in that exact backyard, sneaking into the same bathroom, feeling just as depressed as I was back then as well. The only difference is that it was Cam looking after me and that a few years have passed. I saw this as a major hit, as if there had been no progress at all. Shameful, I thought. Marc pointed out that what I have done in those years is absolutely progress. He encouraged me to see that living with this illness and living well is something to be proud of. Each day is an achievement and each day is progress. I looked at my life and my achievements and agreed with Marc’s point.

I pictured myself in another two years having a similar episode and it happening again in 10 years because it’s likely to happen. I’m beginning to accept this and am becoming at peace with it. There will be times in my life when the mental health issues don’t affect me, there will be periods where it is a struggle just to get out of bed each day and I will experience everything in between. Waiting and longing for that day where I wake up and I no longer experience this illness is tiresome and fruitless.

Instead of waiting and longing for a day that will never come, I can use that energy to work on managing my illness and loving the life that I’m living.

This is the life that I’ve been handed. There is nothing about this life that I need to wish changing. It is an Awesome life. Similarly, I am the person that’s been created. There is nothing about me that I need to wish changing. I am Awesome.

After collecting some inspiration for living an Awesome life from Mick’s blog (thanks hun) I decided to read some of my own writing. I do this often to connect with and ground myself, to catch up on my world, my feelings, my thoughts, where I’ve recently been and my next steps. I usually have multiple post drafts that haven’t quite made their way into the public space. These drafts sit there waiting for the content to prove valuable and become posted or irrelevant and get deleted. One draft that I came across on the train this morning was one title ‘Paying Attention to The Good Things When I Got ‘em’.

This draft had no body, only the title, ‘Paying Attention to The Good Things When I Got ‘em.’ On seeing this draft I thought of the evening in which I wrote it. It was in Marc’s lounge room. Sean, Mick, Marc and myself were chilling, as we often do. Marc wanted Mick to listen to ‘Middle of The Hill’, as he’d appreciate the lyrics and quite rightly. As the song played, Mick laid back with his eye closed and his palms carefully placed on his lap, Marc played air guitar, fighting his urges to sing along and get in the way of Mick’s listening and Sean sat quietly with a huge smile on his face watching Marc’s performance and waiting for a reaction from Mick. While this went down, I sat cross-legged on the floor, as I often do, pouring myself tea from my Alice in Wonderland style teapot, as I often do, watching my dear friends with love in my heart, as I often do and paying careful attention to the good things while I had them, as I often do.

As the song came to a close this evening the lyrics ‘I don’t pay enough attention to the good things when I got ‘em’ repeated with passion and purpose. It struck something in me as I was very emotionally taking in all the Awesome sights, smells, tastes, feelings and sounds around me. I leaned over to my laptop, opened a new post and titled it, ‘Paying Attention To The Good Things When I Got ‘em’ and left it there before we all piled in the car for a Team Awesome quest, as we often do.

When I found this draft this morning I put Josh Pyke’s song on and again enjoyed the sights, smells, tastes, feelings and sounds that surrounded me. I saw a special little girl wearing a straw hat with sea shells sitting in the seat in front of me. I saw a young man helping a father with a pram off the train without words, only a compassionate smile. I felt excitement for all the people who walked the train platform as the train let people off, I wondered where they were heading on their Sunday, probably doing something cool or lovely. Putting the song on repeat as my train reached its destination, I danced, swayed, skipped and spun through Melbourne Central’s ticket barriers and crowds. This is something I haven’t done in a little while and something I absolutely love. Spontaneously expressing my Awesome mood through the movement of my body in the very spot that I walk is an Awesome thing, it breaks through the conventions in our minds, it brings colour to the crowd and you’d be pleasantly surprised by how many smiles you get!

Now I am at RMIT’s library about to begin my earlier mentioned studying adventures, *braces herself* . So I will leave you here. Until we meet again, I’ll leave you with these words:

Pay attention to the good things while you got them.

Rayman brought me hours of entertainment over the years. Compassionately punching cages to save the little dudes and being blown across the screen by trumpets, with awesome colours and shiney things and always a smile on his face. And although the years have past and I’m now 24, Rayman still gives.

A few days ago I found myself in a dark hole. All was gloomy, nothing was worth getting out of bed for… except Rayman. On this day it wasn’t friends or family that pulled me from my hole and it wasn’t purpose or prospects. The simple thought of playing Rayman, which was an out of the blue craving, improved my thinking, brightened my mood and gave me spring for the day. I had a great day of hard work and feeling great, Rayman in my thoughts all throughout. Although I am yet to play Rayman since that day, he still gives me encouragement to live, and live well. He follows me around in spirit and lifts me when I sink down.

You might think it’s strange to be getting such a lift from a 1995 video game but in actual fact Rayman represents something more. Thinking of Rayman makes me think of all the simple pleasures in life that makes it amazing. Thinking of Rayman makes me think of working hard before giving myself chill out time to do what I want – I love that feeling. Thinking of Rayman makes me think if he can keep on smiling, moving and bouncing through his hardships, then so can I.
Now to work out how to get it playing on my laptop, after uni work of course.